A Lot to Live For
by sunthorn
Summary: They'd done their duty; now came the agony of accomplishment when so many others had lost their lives.


**{{{Paige deserved better than a meaningless fridging in the first scene. Her character has so much potential, and I am so upset that she was taken away from us. I just read the Cobalt Squadron book and now am even more in love with Paige if that were possible; it confirmed that she sometimes traded places with Finch as pilot on missions so I made her the pilot instead of the gunner, and gave her a crush on Lieutenant Connix bc why not. Thx for reading, and may the Force be with you.}}}**

* * *

She was the only member of Cobalt Squadron to make it back alive.

Paige stumbled as she climbed from the cockpit of her wrecked ship; the bomb bay had been torn off completely in the chaos after they'd released the payload, and it had been a miracle in itself that the airlock cycled in time for her to hit the fuel booster and limp out of there. The dying screams of her squadron still rang in her ears, even as she wrapped her crying sister into her arms in relief.

"I'm ok, Rose, really," she said as she met Commander Dameron's eyes over her sisters shoulder. He was all fire, all hero. They'd done their duty, and now came the agony of accomplishment when so many others had lost their lives.

"You're a hero now too; just like them," Rose said, helping her peel off her flight suit in the medbay. White veins of stars in hyperspace streaked past the small porthole above the bed. After the initial adrenaline fueled numbness, exhaustion had begun to flood Paige's body, and she slumped onto the cot, letting Rose manipulate her arms and legs out of the sweaty suit. Paige sighed. Her little sister had formed an unrelenting veneration of the Resistance heroes that destroyed Starkiller. She'd done her best remind Rose that they were all just people, but the stories and rumors that circulated the D'Qar base were much more interesting to the young maintenance worker.

"We just did what was asked of us," she answered, voice rough.

Beyond the bruising and shallow lacerations from being knocked around her cockpit, Paige had suffered carbon burns in her esophagus and lungs, making it hurt to speak. She shuffled into the fresher for a quick sonic shower, and when she emerged, Rose had a tube of bacta-salve in her hand. They sat together on the cot, Paige wincing as her sister rubbed the healing gel into her bruises.

"Have you heard anything about a new base?" Rose asked after a minute or two. Paige shook her head.

"I've not exactly had time to discuss it with High Command," she said drily. Her sister rolled her eyes.

"Weren't you in the Officer briefing with Commander Dameron? I just thought you may have overheard-" Rose was interrupted by a shrill beep emanating from her wrist comm. "Kriff, I was supposed to report in 20 minutes ago…"

Rose left her with a hug and an extra ration of nutritive milk before reporting to her duty station. Given how they grew up, it wasn't surprising that Rose latched onto stories of hope and heroism the way she did. Paige had always been more realistic, shouldering any burden she was asked. The hopefulness that filled her was more understated than her sisters, almost grim in the way she tamped it down into something that could be weaponized.

The _Raddus_ shuddered out of hyperspace as the medical droid prepared a bacta spray breathing treatment.

"Are there any side effects?" Paige asked the droid, rolling her shoulders and accepting the proffered stack of new clothing from it. She pulled on the clean flightsuit.

"It is a low dose. Short-term side effects are limited to light headedness and dizziness."

As Paige lifted the nebulizer mask to her mouth, she was thrust back into her bomber's cockpit: _Warning lights flashed, alarms blared, her flight mask malfunctioning so that it felt like she couldn't breathe. It would be so easy to give up, to let herself be overcome and fall into the maelstrom below. Debris from fallen ships hurtled through space; it was headed straight for her bomber. Paige's breath stopped, images appearing in her mind. She saw Rose's smile, and Kaydel's eyes. She saw her home planet being stripped of everything good by the First Order. She saw her squadron plummeting to their burning demise onto the surface of the Dreadnought. With Commander Dameron's shouts echoing in her ear, Paige slammed her hand down on the airlock control and the fuel booster in quick succession, knowing she only had half a moment to get out of the firefight before her hobbled ship would be noticed and shot down._

She came back to herself, breath heaving, and ripped off the nebulizer. You're fine, she told herself, body clenched tight. It's over. Paige sat, shivering, as the med droid fussed over her. It placed the mask gently back over her mouth, and she resigned herself to sitting still on the cot as the breathing treatment did its job. The sickly sweet taste of the aerosol bacta clung to the back of her throat. Ten standard minutes into the treatment, the med bay door slid open with a hiss.

"Paige!" Lieutenant Connix burst in, wide eyes taking in the breathing mask and med droid. "The transport deck officer said you crashed in hangar 5-"

"Kaydel, I'm fine," Paige smiled weakly behind the mask; the younger officer hurried toward the cot she was on. Privately, Paige thought the Lieutenant looked adorable, all worried like this. A second later though, it was Paige who was flustered; Kaydel threw her arms around the bomber pilot, and when she pulled back held Paige's face in her hands.

"I saw the ship. Don't tell me you're fine." Kaydel's voice was steel underneath the wavering distress. Paige took Kaydel's hands in her own, then removed the mask.

"You should see the other guy's ship," she attempted to joke, but her scratchy voice made it tough. Kaydel snorted, a small laugh escaping even though she was obviously upset. Heat bloomed in Paige's chest at the sound. "The evacuation. Did we get everyone out?" Paige changed the subject. Kaydel sank to the cot next to her, still holding her hand.

"Every transport got through, thanks to you." A thrill ran down the length of Paige's spine as the young Lieutenant looked up at her. Kaydel's bright brown eyes, so often inscrutable and serene, now glittered with unshed tears. "I was so scared," she whispered. "The rest of the bombers were gone, and when you didn't respond to Poe I thought-I thought the worst."

"I did too," Paige responded honestly. "My comms were fried, I could hear him but he couldn't hear me…" Her back stiffened, thinking about the hopeless fear that had engulfed her. She ran a hand through her short black hair, breathing as deeply as she could. "Grazed by an ion cannon, I think. The surge killed Finch... Nix was long gone. I had to drop the payload remotely from the cockpit." Speaking about her gunner and bombardier brought despair crashing down once again, and Paige didn't try to stop her tears. Kaydel's grip tightened on her hand, and she was shocked to see fresh tear tracks on the junior officer's cheeks when she looked up.

Paige had never seen Kaydel cry before.

They'd been friends for close to two standard years, and never once had she seen that wholly composed facade fall so completely. When the younger woman had joined the resistance military command, it was her natural and calm leadership that allowed her to jump rank so quickly, and Paige had noticed. As a flight controller, Kaydel's path crossed her's regularly; often they would end up at the same bench in the mess, or relaxing in the barracks at the same time. The growth of a closer relationship was organic. Paige, while initially finding herself dazzled by Kaydel's lovely smile, other attractions soon developed. Her wit, her determination, the ruthless way she competed in even the most casual game of sabaac.

And now, her empathy.

Kaydel leaned forward, resting her forehead against Paige's. The sounds of the medbay faded into the background; all Paige could hear was Kaydel's breathing. The pain from her bruises faded; all she could feel was warmth from the points where their bodies met. It was like nothing else Paige had ever experienced. As if in a dream, Kaydel's hands moved up to cradle her face.

"I am so, so sorry," she murmured, stroking a thumb over Paige's cheek, who leaned into the touch. The nebulizer mask dangled off the cot, forgotten. The aching guilt and sadness that had weighed her down since her ship had screeched into the hangar bay became lighter; it didn't vanish completely (Paige knew from experience she would feel the guilt of a survivor for years to come) but the weight became bearable with Kaydel's featherlight touch on her skin.

"Kaydel, I-" Paige paused, heart caught in her throat as she looked into the eyes of the incredible young woman in front of her. She knew words would never express the magnitude of what she was feeling, the gratitude for her friend, the adoration she felt for months she'd kept to herself, for fear of ruining what they already had. Words were not enough, Paige decided, before closing the remaining distance between their lips.

Kaydel kissed back. Slow, at first, then with more fervour. Paige poured every emotion swirling around in her chest into the kiss, savoring the feel of Kaydel's lips on her own. She felt like she could kiss this young woman for the rest of her life.

When the klaxons sounded, they pulled apart reluctantly, too wrapped up in one another to notice at first what the alarm meant. Paige recognized it first, apprehension rising to replace the bliss.

"That's the proximity alert. What in blazes-" she began, but the black wedge was suddenly just visible out the porthole answered her unfinished question. Kaydel gripped her hand even tighter.

"No," Kaydel breathed. They looked at each other for a moment, eyes still teeming with emotion and quickly drying tears, before sliding off the cot and out the medbay door. The comm system replaced the klaxon soon enough:

 _"All hands to your stations. All hands to your stations."_


End file.
